Good night sweet prince

Good night sweet prince.
2005 - 2020.

Scooters & the Zombie Apocalypse

There are 3 things in life that I love. Scooters, zombie survival, and all-you-can-eat specials (uh, 4 things actually – wife!). Today, we shall discuss 2 of these things combined.

Hypothetical scenario:

A long dormant but deadly blood-borne pathogen suddenly mutates and reactivates primitive cerebral functions in previously deceased corpses. This virus activates basic motor function in its host, re-awakening an insatiable hunger for cannibalistic urges while simultaneously rendering the prefrontal cortex processes and circulatory systems inoperable. This spreads through the human populations by initially contaminating “subject 0” whom while on a safari trip deep in the Amazon jungle is bitten by an infected mosquito. “Subject 0” returns home infected, and the virus subsequently propagates throughout known civilizations. A global apocalypse has begun!

Script from the latest horror film, or a potential tomorrow?

Even the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently issued a guideline for this “unlikely” (HA!) possibility. http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

While the pending zombie apocalypse situation (and it IS pending) has been discussed to death (comparable to six dead horses or perhaps a small elephant), my research from films, expert interviews, survival handbooks, and scientific literature has lead me to the conclusion that the modern day scooter is in fact the ideal mode of transportation in a post-apocalyptic zombie infested world. This theory is further disseminated in the following sections:

Reasons why scooters are better than other modes of transportation:

The most ideal mode of transportation while surviving and living in a zombie-infested environment (referred to as “ZIE” from now on) is, as anyone who knows anything knows, a medium-sized sailing vessel with long-term seafaring capabilities and rechargeable solar-powered engine, or a nuclear submarine. Obviously not many people will have access to such transports.

Uneducated common people (a.k.a. future zombies) will consider heavily armored vehicles as the ideal transportation since it provides the most protection from zombies and will likely flock to military bases and used car lots for tanks, APCs, and chromed out H2s. This is of course a grievous mistake. These vehicles are loud (zombies are attracted to noise), have terrible gas mileage, and provide a false sense of security which subsequently makes people drive too fast and crash their vehicles into a ditch and become trapped = canned food for zombies. But of course you already know that from Zombie Survival 101, and I’m presuming this discussion is to an educated forum.

Interestingly, survival experts and guidebooks suggest that the most ideal mode of transportation in a ZIE is the bicycle. It’s quiet, commonly found, light-weight, not dependent on synthetic fuels, and can easily out-pace shuffling zombies. While I agree with these facts, I believe that the scooter is a more appropriate mode of transportation for the following two important reasons.

1. Injury. Injuries, especially lower extremity injuries, will severely hamper your escape possibilities. Try riding a bicycle with a large laceration down your left quadriceps. Or steer a bicycle and change gears through a city street clustered with abandoned cars and debris with a dislocated shoulder while a mob of hungry zombies chase after you. Scooters on the other hand, can still be easily operable to individuals suffering from a while range of injuries.* Cut leg? Missing arm? Abdominal bleeding? No problem! (Well, it’s a problem, but a problem for later, once you’ve made your escape). *This is all of course, dependent on the fact that your injury was not caused by a zombie bite. If so, you’re screwed. Although your final moments in life would be driving a scooter AS a zombie, which would be pretty badass.
2. Speed. Sure, a bicycle is more than capable to out run a human zombie, whether shuffling at 2-3 mph (George A. Romero zombies), or even running zombies at 6-8 mph (28 Days Later RAGE-virus zombies). But consider this: what if the virus mutates further and infects other mammals? e.g. predators! e.g. cheetahs and lions!! Sure, here in the continental U.S. we don’t really have to worry about African lions or other fast predators (unless you work in a zoo, in which case, why the hell are you still working if there’s a zombie outbreak!?). But further consider this: ZOMBIE BEARS. Or ZOMBIE WOLVES. Scary stuff right? Well a damn piece-of-junk Walmart 10 speed bicycle will likely NOT outrun an enraged zombie bear or wolf. You’re screwed man. But of course, a well maintained 50cc scooter, with a top speed of 40-50 mph, could more than likely outrun a bloodthirsty zombie bear/wolf.

Lastly, I will cover why the scooter is a better vehicle in a ZIE than a motorcycle. Sure motorcycles are faster and can travel further while sharing many similar beneficial qualities of a scooter. But scooters are more agile, more fuel efficient, and quieter. But here are the two most important reasons:

1. Easier to drive. Motorcycles have a clutch, need to change gears, and heavier to lift. What if you fall over and get your leg trapped under the bike? Would you rather attempt to lift a 600-700 lb motorcycle off your leg, or a <200 lb scooter? Also, you can one-hand drive a scooter. Obviously this enables you to wield a weapon with your free hand. I doubt you can whack zombies with a golf club or drive-by zombies with a 9mm while driving a motorcycle (or at least, not as efficiently as on a scooter).
2. The bag hook. The most underrated piece of equipment on a scooter, and vitally missing from a motorcycle, is the bag hook. A plastic hook above the foot rest on the scooter provides a plethora of uses in a ZIE. Carrying freshly raided food supplies/chicken wings from an abandoned supermarket? How about a plastic bag full of grenades desperately needed to be delivered to your family’s outpost besieged upon by hundreds of mindless zombies? Sadly, you can’t do any of these things on a motorcycle folks – no bag hook.

Scooter usage in various stages of a zombie apocalypse:

Another infrequently discussed topic is the stages of ZIE survival. Movies and expert discussion often describe the first few hours, days, and perhaps week or so of survival during an outbreak. But how about long-term survival? Here I shall discuss the uses of a scooter in various stages of a zombie apocalypse.

Initial outbreak (24 hours): scooters are very useful in escaping urban environments. Thousands of cars will block all roads and highways, making escape very difficult. Scooters are invaluable because they can drive on sidewalks and other narrow paths.

Initial survival (days to weeks): scooters are important in conducting supply raids, reconnaissance for large slow moving survival caravans, and provide excellent tactical use in drawing out small hordes of zombies towards predetermined counter-attack areas.

Long term survival (months to years): scooters are sadly not as useful in the long term survival of humanity against a zombie infestation. Despite fuel efficiency, gasoline is almost nonexistent as all known sources have been depleted (even abandoned cars have been siphoned, evaporated, or burned). Food sources can no longer be dependent on strategic raids (foods have either been spoiled or already taken), and agriculture is a necessity for survival. And scooters don’t plow well. Your best bet for scooter usage is to either store it as an emergency escape route, or dismantle it for the engine to use as a makeshift generator.

Rebuilding civilization (years later): Congratulations, you’ve survived! All infected zombies have starved to death, and with luck the virus has not mutated enough to infect other creatures. Back to rebuilding civilization and blogging about your scooter survival!

Next week’s update: A D-I-Y guide to jury-rigging a flame thrower/machine gun turret on your scooter! (Patent pending).

Also for next week: Interested in knowing your survivability during a zombie outbreak? Leave a comment and I will utilize my vast stores of zombie knowledge to make an expert analytical synopsis of your survival preparedness in the upcoming ZIE. Will post these results in the next update as well!

Update!

While I’m still brainstorming a new blog style, I’ve been itching to update the blog with a new post. So here’s something short and sweet, mostly to appease the masses that clamored and complain for an update or two.

It’s a badass feeling when you’re out riding and on a rare occasion unexpectedly form a scooter gang with other fellow happenstance scooterists. I managed to snap a pic on my way to work the other day. Most often, you feel compelled to ride along side one another as long as possible, perhaps even going the wrong direction, just to prolong the feeling of badass-ness and camaraderie. One could compare as a lone wolf appreciates now and then running with the wolf pack. Or something like that.

Also on a more serious note, the Massachusetts Department of Motor Vehicles recently changed some of their scooter/moped registration laws. Thus, the information I provided earlier in my blog as well as the side bar may no longer be accurate.

Creative Dinner

Already bored with my meal options, last night I decided to get a little creative in preparing dinner. By "creative" I mean throwing anything that wasn't meat into a wok and smothering it with tikka masala sauce. The final ingredient count:

· 1/2 red onion

· 1 Chinese cabbage

· 1/4 red pepper

· Random bits of frozen peas & corn

· 2 frozen broccoli spears

· 2 frozen tofu breakfast patties (from 2 years ago, during our egg mcmuffin phase)

· 1 jar of prepared masala sauce

· rice

Not only was it tasty, but I was also able to clean out most of my fridge & freezer!

Feedback

Wow, what great feedback from my fans! I'd like to take a moment and share some terrific and insightful comments from the world.

Kelly: going meatless is easier than you would think...(she lists many restaurants in the next paragraph, but I lost interest in reading)...http://www.101cookbooks.com/ has some great recipes... the options are endless. godspeed in your quest sir. [Uh, thanks Kelly!]

Matt: I don't really know how I can pretend to respect you anymore... I think that the sooner you fail at this, the sooner I'll regain my faith in you as a human.

Ben: Its not so bad -- I've cut out a lot of the meat in my diet as well, probably eat about 1/3 of what i used to (until I can afford local meat that I know what its been eating and how it was killed at least). You're asian... just fry up tofu into fake chicken pieces or something.

Elizabeth: looks like nothing on the panda express menu is vegetarian: "While Panda Express offers vegetable based entrees, they are not certified vegetarian due to our cooking process and use of shared equipment " and by cooking process they mean they soak everything in beef and pig fat. Be careful at lunch this week! I did a little research on qdoba and I think you're safe with rice and beans. [...DAMMIT.]

Meghan: But he didn't like his burrito today! He said it was "really sloppy and soft (that's what she said)."

Sonali: If you're looking for lunch places, I vote ABP/Panera - good sandwich/soup/wrap options, and their menus are well-labeled as to what is veg and what isn't...plus, you can generally watch them make your food. As for anything proclaiming to be a good meat-substitute -- no. It won't taste like meat and will probably be really, really bad. That being said, Trader Joe's has soy "meatballs" that are quite good (but don't taste anything like meat)...

Steve: There's a lot of talk of meats, how has no one said "that's what she said" besides Meghan?!

Said Ben, "I've cut out a lot of meat in my diet" - That's what she said

Said Kelly, "Going meatless is easier than you think." - That's what she said

Said Sonali, "It won't taste like meat and will probably be really, really bad." - That's what she said.....hopefully not to me...

I've used up all my "that's what she said" quota for the month. With that, good luck with your endeavors of going meatless (that's what she said). [Thanks man, excellent feedback, keep it up.]

Tuesday. Armageddon.

 

Cosmonaut Lev: "Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!"
 
Ate a vegetarian qdoba burrito for lunch.  It was 95% guacamole and sour cream.  Kinda gross.  On the plus side, only 500 more points until a free burrito!  Morale low.

Dammit blogger let me email photos onto this stupid site.

This is food?

This innocent looking chicken nugget is a lie. The nugget is a lie. The nugget is a lie.

It is, in fact, a "Chik'n Nugget" which advertises in small font is a "meatless and soy-free nugget substitute." Huh. It's main ingredient is Mycoprotein, which is a fungus. Gross. It mostly tastes like crunchy cardboard dosed with a generous sprinkling of pepper. Luckily, barbecue sauce makes everything taste better. Hell with this rabbit food, I'm sticking with pizza and burritos.

Sent from my iPhone

Reborn

Teaser line: What do Abe Lincoln, Michael Jackson, and Jesus have in common? Well, besides being dead and having their own Wikipedia page, they’re vegetarians! Who cares? Read on to find out!

A new year means a new start for the scooter blog. Like a phoenix reborn from its ashes, so shall the scooter blog be revived (at least until I get bored with it again) and restored beyond its original glory. “How so?” you might wonder. As the scooter is winterized for a few more weeks, this blog will be converted to my daily journal during my “week-long” adventure as a “vegetarian.” GASP! Your first astonished question might be, “What the heck are you talking about?” For those that know me, my categorization of vegetarianism fits into the same bubble as Unicorns, the Bermuda Triangle, and Republicans. Essentially, things that are mystifying, and perhaps to a lesser degree, known for their magical healing abilities. Well, this “week” I begin to pop these bubbles. For the next “week” I will consume no meat, and hope the animals that would normally be sacrificed for my consumption will instead be used for other practical purposes or eaten by Steve Li. I may even donate some small monetary contribution at the completion of my journey to some sort of charity, but I haven’t thought that far, in fact this idea just popped into my head while I was trying to find a way to conclude this run-on sentence. Your second question might be, “Why all the quotation marks?” To be honest, I don’t really know if I can refrain from consuming delicious animal muscle tissue. So my “week,” which ideally would span 7 rotations of the Earth, may or may not, be really Wednesday (realistic goal date). Also, for clarification purposes, my definition of “vegetarian” is only not directly consuming animal parts, and does not include dairy products, eggs, and any insects that accidentally fly into my mouth while I sleep. Fish, shellfish, and foods knowingly cooked in animal broths will be avoided as well. However I will not be fanatical about checking ingredients, and magical things like "gelatin" I could care less about.

I am not doing this for the "greater good," not for health reasons, a wager, a social commentary on American consumerism, nor for any other real reason other than the fact that I want to give it an impromptu try, and to have something else to talk about besides March madness and play Call of Duty. Actually, that’s not completely true. ::Cue in patriotic music and wavy American flag backdrop:: Your choice of dietary decisions, along with political affiliation, sexual orientation, choice of religion, and along with many other preferences, is your own damn decision, and nobody should tell you otherwise.* Here’s the part where we all start chanting “USA, USA, USA!” and fist pump.

(*Caveat: except for arborphilia and cannibalism, because that’s just gross dude.)

How YOU can help: This tremendous effort will require additional support, as I am already craving some buffalo chicken wings or a nice juicy medium cheeseburger…no, must resist… So, I implore you, faithful readers (Meghan), to keep a wary eye on this blog, as it will reflect my physical and mental health. Signs of my degradation may begin to show as this week progresses by my lack of coherent writing ability (or more so), or severe symptoms, such as only posting quotes drawn from memory from the hit movies “Independence Day” and “Armageddon.” (I've seen these movies so many times; they’re ingrained scene by scene into my most basic neurological functions, alongside contracting my diaphragm and consistent myocardial tissue activity). In addition, please support my efforts by suggesting non-gross vegetarian foods in the comments section, as currently my only idea of non-meat foods to eat are meatless donuts, bean and rice qdoba burritos, and cheese pizza.

Thank you for reading, and enjoy the show.

Winter storage and reawakening

One unfortunate scootering disadvantage we have up here in New England (or "the Union" as some others refer) is that we have bitter winters. Bitter may actually not be the correct description. Perhaps miserable-cold-dark-damp-gloomy-oppressing-rain-sleet-snow-snow-snow-more-snow-freeze-your-butt-off-never-ending-tormenting winters is a better term. As a consequence you will not find many scooterists on the road during the winter months. Although there will be a few crazy fanatics that wholeheartedly embrace the Unite States Postal Service "neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night" oath and dare to venture out all year around. I am not one of those. I don't enjoy navigating through black ice and snow, enduring bone-chilling temperatures, and freezing winds that burn any exposed skin (so wear thick gloves, goggles, masks, baby seal blubber suits, etc).

My scooter goes through winter hibernation inside a warm and sheltered garage, courtesy of my friends' apartment and at a cost of a case of beer. Sure I get sad and often miss my scooter, especially during the long chilly walks to the T station, but I endure through the winter knowing that my trusty scooter (or Scoot Scoot as I fondly call it) is in a safe place, and will be ready and energized for an early spring riding season chock-full of sunny days and pleasant rainbows.

For those considering to get a scooter and planning on not using it for a long period of time, it is important to know how to properly prepare and store a scooter. I was unlucky enough to not have been taught this critical information, and thus after a long first winter of storage, my scooter did not work after several disheartening days of dismantling, tweaking, replacing, and swearing at random parts until I fixed what had been undone. The wasted time was mostly due to because I had no idea why it wouldn't start. Often I just stared at the scooter, ignorantly hoping to identify an obvious disconnected cable or newly formed gaping hole that could be easily repaired with superglue and duct tape which would fix the problem, and also a lot of unscrewing and re-screwing random parts (don't ask me why, it's just a guy thing). Anyway, the most important lesson in storing a scooter is to remove the battery. Fact: a scooter battery (think car battery, but much much smaller) will discharge continuously and die within a few weeks of non-use. If you do not remove the battery before winter storage, you will of course, be angered in the spring when you have to buy a brand new scooter battery ($40 or more depending on brand & quality). Garaged scooters can just be turned on and used for a couple minutes each week to keep the battery charged. However, if you are lazy and/or storing a scooter in a place that does not allow a scooter to start (e.g. in the dining room of your second story apartment), the battery must be removed and hooked up to a battery charger every few weeks. You should also clean the scooter thoroughly before storing, to prevent rusting of critical components.

Also when reawakening the beast, gas is certainly a critical factor. The few liters of gasoline in a scooter quickly evaporates over the winter as I learned this after my second winter of storage. Megs had faithfully dropped me off at the friends' house, trustingly hoped that I knew what I was doing, and drove off to run errands. After a couple failed attempts to restart the scooter, and having watchful friends laugh at my situation, I walked the scooter to a nearby gas station a couple blocks away. With determination and patience I was finally able, in that gas station late one chilly spring night, to start the scooter with a tank of fresh gas, a fully charged battery, and faced a brand new scootering season full of adventure and hope.

[Reawakening ceremony tools: gas can, battery charger]

Scooter pic: the po po

Here's a sweet picture my girlfriend snagged of a cool police scooter outside Yankee Stadium a couple weeks ago.

I really have no idea what kind it is, but I would guess some modified version of an old Honda Elite. I'm also doubtful they were able to store a shotgun and tactical gear under the seat.

Side note: upon further inspection of this picture, she was also able to capture the dude to the left in the white sweat band and sporting a "got rings?" t-shirt. My question is, who is he, and how can I be friends with him?

Parking 101

One of the great benefits of owning a scooter is that you can park it where ever you want. Similar to bicycles, all you need to do is find a suitable space, park it, and for extra precaution find something to chain it up to. Some of you may ask, why put a lock on a scooter? Well the average 50cc scooter weights approximately 200 lbs, so crafty criminals with pickup trucks can with relative ease steal scooters not anchored to heavier objects (those jerks). I personally use a heavy duty kryptonite chain lock. I usually park between cars or next to parking meters. In addition stop signs and parking signs are sturdy and good place to anchor your scooter. Fire hydrants and trees are less ideal as they are generally too wide or short to be of use (unless you have a 10 foot chain). For reference here a few pictures of things you can chain your scooter up to:

Also try not to piss off any authoritative figures while parking your scooter, such locking your scooter next to a do-not-enter sign in front of a government mental instution with a state trooper on guard. Luckily I didn't get a ticket, but definitely got a good scolding.

Sorry folks about the lack of recent updates, I've been incapacitated for a few weeks by a mutant Ebola/SARS supervirus (or a bad cold/flu).

Scooter Adventure: the Egging

Mischief night, Halloween 2005.

I felt two sudden hard punches on my back. I heard a few more cracks as additional shots missed and fell to the pavement around me. Surprised and in pain, I struggled to keep my scooter upright. It was dark and I was already having enough trouble avoiding the big potholes and dangerous corners in Dorchester. I looked down and felt warm liquid dripping around my waist and legs. Was I bleeding? Was I about to die? I could hear the tires screeching from the low rider car that had been tailing me. I looked in my side mirrors and could see the car had made a quick right turn down a dark side alley. My aggressors had escaped.

I doubt there are many readers here that have been attacked by weaponized poultry embryos. I would even go so far as to say there are even fewer that understand what it feels like to be egged while driving a scooter at 30mph. It hurts like hell. I ended up with a few bruises on my back, a scooter covered in egg yolk (which does not clean up easily), and a very bruised ego. On the positive side, I am gracious the youth of Dorchester on mischief night chose to use grade A large white eggs rather than actual bullets. (For those that are not from the Boston area, Dorchester is comparable to South Philly. Or West Philly. Or all that area past Route 1 in North Philly. Or Trenton). In retrospect, it probably was not the greatest idea to drive through a dangerous part of town late a night on Halloween eve on a bright yellow scooter. But I had a big exam to study for and had spent most of the day in the library. I never got a good look at the teenagers in the car. They had pulled up along side me a few blocks before the incident and stared at me. I had figured they were only checking out my scooter as that happens from time to time, but did not realize there were actually acquiring a target for their mischievous deeds.

In summary:

• Projectile eggs hurt like hell
• Do not drive a scooter in Dorchester
• Wet paper towels will not clean up embedded eggs chunks from a scooter
  
• Use "Kaboom" cleaner. Or anything sold by Billy Mays
  
• Do not go to Dorchester

Site of the Egging Incident.

Weaponized Poultry Embryo

Addendum: In response to Meg's comment, I was selected for jury duty in 2006. While filling out the paperwork at the courthouse, in the section that asked, "Have you ever been a victim of crime?" I wrote in yes and described my scooter egging incident. A few hours later, two lawyers and the judge were filtering through the potential jurors and called me up to the bench. They asked me if I would remain impartial to the criminal case, as I listed having been a victim of crime since I had been egged while driving a scooter. To say the least, it's pretty embarrassing having a judge and two lawyers ask you that question in a court of law. I sheepishly said no, and was picked for jury duty that lasted three days.

Scootering and work

To quote one of my favorite movies (Old School), Luke Wilson's character tells a co-worker of his, "We work together, Walsh. And I don't want to mix work with whatever it is I do at home." Granted I am not starting a non-collegiate fraternity with middle-aged men, but nevertheless it retains some general pertinence as many of us have a "professional personality" that we wear to work and that is not always reflective of our true selves. (Unless of course, you always laugh at your boss's jokes and are truly overjoyed from seeing your company quarterly compliance reports perform above the mean. However, recently a few of my co-workers have discovered my blog. And to keep them happy I have agreed to post a picture of them with a scooter.


There Marc & Nikki, I hope you're happy. Stop harassing me.

But also, if you have a cool/funny picture of yourself with a scooter, feel free to email me and I will post it on my blog for all to see and admire. (All = girlfriend, roommate, and people who have accidentally found this site by clicking the random site button on blogspot.)

Scooter Etiquette

While on my ride and listening to Kenny Loggin's "Highway to the Dangerzone," I sometimes find other scooterists making a point to maneuver through traffic to catch up with me. Sometimes they will proceed to ride up alongside my scooter and perhaps even to be so bold as to strike up a brief conversation during stops at traffic lights. This folks is a big no no. It's like those people in public bathrooms who start talking to you in the next stall over. Last thing you want to do while taking care of business (or as my roommate calls it, "taking the browns to the superbowl") is starting a conversation with a complete stranger. Same rules apply while scootering.

Don't get me wrong, if you happen to be driving behind a scooter it's okay to pull up and give a brief nod before peeling away. That's common courteously. It's like saying, "hello, we're both better than pedestrians and cooler than gas guzzling motorists," but that's it folks. No further acknowledgment is required. As you may now know from my previous post (see "Types of Scootering Personalities") a variety of people ride scooters, and they do not all necessarily share common mindsets (other than loving scooters).

I also have a jeep. There's an unofficial "wrangler wave" that is given to fellow wrangler drivers as you pass by other jeeps on the road. Some overzealous enthusiasts give the big high five wave as they pass by. I tend to utilize the patented two finger peace sign with the left hand while gripping the steering wheel at the 12 o'clock position (the "bunny ear maneuver"). This way it's noticeable to the keen observing fellow wrangler driver and pays respect, but not as obvious to the other motorists or people in your car (so they don't you're super lame). Crap, I've sidetracked so much I've forgotten what I was ranting about. Oh well, here's a cool picture of my scooter.

Scooter Adventure: the Ticket

A typical Monday morning. I was running late to work, on my scooter driving through Central Square on Mass Ave. Suddenly, a Cambridge police officer on his motorcycle pulls up next to me with his lights on and says, "pull over by the sidewalk up there and turn off your scooter son." The next 15 minutes provided to be one of the most confounding moments of my life so far. His next words were, "did you know your registration tags are expired?" Of course I knew. My tags were expired in 2006 (yeah yeah, go ahead and ridicule me, but if you think I like to throw away $40 to the city of Boston for a sticker that registers my scooter as a "motorized bicycle" you might as well stick a feather in your head and call it a macaroni). Anyway, the cop proceeded to lecture me on not having an updated sticker, and then issued me a ticket. A ticket!! Do they really have the free time to pull over scooters for expired registration tags and fine them $25?!?!

But here's the real kicker folks. Hang onto your hats and buckle in your seat belts. His next sentence was, "I'm going to have to tow your scooter." Really? Really really?!? I was dumbfounded. In disbelief. Who tows a scooter? Who tows a 200 lb bicycle? Do jerks like that really exist in this world? Yes, apparently they do. So after a few more minutes of baffling discussion, I was directed to a bus stop across the street which would take me to work that morning. As I sat on the bus, I looked out and saw the officer next to my scooter waiting for the tow truck. I could almost feel the tears trickling down my cheeks.

After pleading with my boss, I was able to take a half day and had the rest of the afternoon off to retrieve my scooter. I had to take the following steps: (1) Get home and retrieval my registration identification. (2) Get to the RMV. (3) Wait in line at the goddamn RMV for hours to get a registration sticker. (4) Get to the impound lot. (5) !!!!!

First of all, the Massachusetts RMV provides a nifty website that shows "real time" wait times for their various locations. Okay, after a bit of perusing I found the most convenient and shortest line existed at the Cambridgeside Galleria RMV office. After rushing home, I jumped into my car and jetted towards the Cambridgeside Galleria mall. Minutes later, I was in a short line at the RMV office. "Oh," said the young woman at the counter, "scooter registration? We don't do that here. You have to go to our Watertown location."

!@%$#^!!

After damning the RMV a few more times, I drove another 15 minutes to Watertown, otherwise known as "the armpit of west Boston". As this entry is getting long, I will spare you the excruciating details of waiting in various lines at the Watertown RMV, but suffice to say, there was a point where I had the wrong form, and was directed to another line to get the correct form (although they did let me cut in line). Nevertheless, 2 hours later, I had a brand spanking new shiny registration sticker, minus two Andrew Jacksons in my wallet.

Luckily I convinced my girlfriend to drive me to the impound lot after work, so at 5pm we took a drive to Phil's Towing Co, paid them their damn hundred dollars, and picked up my scooter, which had been sitting in their parking lot getting rained on all day.

Cambridge Police: 1
Scooter: 0

Carry groceries: the tetris challenge

Depending on the type of scooter, you may or may not have ample storage capacity. For example, a Honda ruckus (see image below) has no storage, so you're basically SOL.*
But on my scooter, I have maximum storage ability, including: an underseat helmet compartment, a front bag hook, and an additional Givi trunk compartment. Believe it or not, I can carry a week's worth of groceries on my scooter.

[Groceries in cart]

[Same groceries in scooter compartments. Magic!]

All it takes is some forward thinking and a little practice from playing tetris. Obviously, big items such as bulk rolls of paper towels from Costco will not fit, but perishable and fragile items such as fruit, glass jars, and even eggs will fit nicely if you plan ahead.

Space can be further supplemented with a backpack or messenger bag. Wow, what a knowledgeable and helpful post! This deserves a:

[*SOL = sh*t outta luck]

Scootering for two

Although scootering historically has been a solo adventure, there are occasions that call for more than one person riding on a scooter. Here's a short list:

Occasions that call for more than one person riding the same scooter:

1. Existing girlfriend/boyfriend needing a ride home (note: only do this for existing relationships, because really, you're not going to impress anyone you're trying to date by picking them up on a scooter).
2. Lame roommate bumming a ride (this is why I've made a "only 1 masian* per scooter" rule).
3. You're handcuffed to someone as you both try to escape police on a thrilling chase through a European city. You attempt to steer through narrow streets, your partner in crime fire bullets randomly behind you.
   

Notice that I did not put "joy riding" on the list of scootering for two. That's because it's not fun riding an elaborate lawnmower with two people. It's not a motorcycle. There's little room, and scooters are not really designed to sustain the weight of two individuals. There's a couple of things to consider as you ride with two people. Here's another list:

1. The art of getting on a scooter with two people. It's no easy task. My girlfriend and I have carefully practiced this dance, to spectators it's almost like a well choreographed ballet; I steadily hold the scooter upright via the handlebars, she climbs on and scoots back to the end, I then unsteadily throw my leg over the front without kicking her in the head, and finally rest hunched over the front with my knees poking the back of the handlebars. It's just as difficult dismounting from the scooter, I have to hold the scooter upright as she does a dangerous cartwheel off to one side, and then making sure not to drop the scooter, step off and pull down the kickstand. Email me for drawings and detailed instructions.
   
2. Helmet selection. In my naive excitement, I first purchased a matching helmet for my girlfriend to wear. It's bring pink and is just as obnoxious and loud as my yellow helmet. However, I failed to recognized that we are not riding a motorcycle, and honestly we looked like a bunch of power ranger fanboys riding into battle to defeat Zorgon on a little underpowered scooter. Here's a 10 second cut and paste image rendition of what it looks like for your amusement. In addition to the negative visual aspects of having two matching full size motorcycle helmets, logistical problems also arise. Since we are sitting so close to each other, we discovered that we often bump into each others' helmets and made it a nuisance to turn your head, which as it turns out, is vital when you're riding a scooter in heavy traffic. So in short, I ditched the pink power ranger helmet and purchased a sweet secondary half helmet, which is better suited for storage and usage, as it's small enough to fit inside my scooter truck, and does not easily bump into the back of my helmet as well.
   
3. Apparel. Make sure your girlfriend (or boyfriend?) is not wearing a skirt, as that's not the best idea to wear while scootering. Or for that matter, on males, not the best idea to wear ever. (Unless it's Halloween, which in that case, it's highly recommended).
   
4. There's also a handful of other tidbits of advice, such as readjusting your side mirrors and taking turns more slowly, but I can't seem to think of funny comments to add to those instructions, so that's it for now.

[*masian = male + asian]

Updates coming soon

Dear fanclub member(s) and avid reader(s):

Updates are coming soon, I promise! I have a few stories drafted, but due to various obligations and lack of creative juices lately I've been reluctant to post the new stories. You deserve my best writing: a classic combination of a short anecdote filled with wit, humor, compassion, and a sprinkle of education...not mindless rantings and bad grammar.

So for now, here's a sweet picture I took on my scooter to keep you enticed in my blog. Keep checking back for updates!

Boston dot com article

http://www.boston.com/cars/news/articles/2008/06/22/ciao_car_hello_vespa/?page=full

The above link is a good scootering article from the boston globe. That is all.