Scooter Adventure: the Egging

Mischief night, Halloween 2005.

I felt two sudden hard punches on my back. I heard a few more cracks as additional shots missed and fell to the pavement around me. Surprised and in pain, I struggled to keep my scooter upright. It was dark and I was already having enough trouble avoiding the big potholes and dangerous corners in Dorchester. I looked down and felt warm liquid dripping around my waist and legs. Was I bleeding? Was I about to die? I could hear the tires screeching from the low rider car that had been tailing me. I looked in my side mirrors and could see the car had made a quick right turn down a dark side alley. My aggressors had escaped.

I doubt there are many readers here that have been attacked by weaponized poultry embryos. I would even go so far as to say there are even fewer that understand what it feels like to be egged while driving a scooter at 30mph. It hurts like hell. I ended up with a few bruises on my back, a scooter covered in egg yolk (which does not clean up easily), and a very bruised ego. On the positive side, I am gracious the youth of Dorchester on mischief night chose to use grade A large white eggs rather than actual bullets. (For those that are not from the Boston area, Dorchester is comparable to South Philly. Or West Philly. Or all that area past Route 1 in North Philly. Or Trenton). In retrospect, it probably was not the greatest idea to drive through a dangerous part of town late a night on Halloween eve on a bright yellow scooter. But I had a big exam to study for and had spent most of the day in the library. I never got a good look at the teenagers in the car. They had pulled up along side me a few blocks before the incident and stared at me. I had figured they were only checking out my scooter as that happens from time to time, but did not realize there were actually acquiring a target for their mischievous deeds.

In summary:

• Projectile eggs hurt like hell
• Do not drive a scooter in Dorchester
• Wet paper towels will not clean up embedded eggs chunks from a scooter
  
• Use "Kaboom" cleaner. Or anything sold by Billy Mays
  
• Do not go to Dorchester

Site of the Egging Incident.

Weaponized Poultry Embryo

Addendum: In response to Meg's comment, I was selected for jury duty in 2006. While filling out the paperwork at the courthouse, in the section that asked, "Have you ever been a victim of crime?" I wrote in yes and described my scooter egging incident. A few hours later, two lawyers and the judge were filtering through the potential jurors and called me up to the bench. They asked me if I would remain impartial to the criminal case, as I listed having been a victim of crime since I had been egged while driving a scooter. To say the least, it's pretty embarrassing having a judge and two lawyers ask you that question in a court of law. I sheepishly said no, and was picked for jury duty that lasted three days.

Scootering and work

To quote one of my favorite movies (Old School), Luke Wilson's character tells a co-worker of his, "We work together, Walsh. And I don't want to mix work with whatever it is I do at home." Granted I am not starting a non-collegiate fraternity with middle-aged men, but nevertheless it retains some general pertinence as many of us have a "professional personality" that we wear to work and that is not always reflective of our true selves. (Unless of course, you always laugh at your boss's jokes and are truly overjoyed from seeing your company quarterly compliance reports perform above the mean. However, recently a few of my co-workers have discovered my blog. And to keep them happy I have agreed to post a picture of them with a scooter.


There Marc & Nikki, I hope you're happy. Stop harassing me.

But also, if you have a cool/funny picture of yourself with a scooter, feel free to email me and I will post it on my blog for all to see and admire. (All = girlfriend, roommate, and people who have accidentally found this site by clicking the random site button on blogspot.)

Scooter Etiquette

While on my ride and listening to Kenny Loggin's "Highway to the Dangerzone," I sometimes find other scooterists making a point to maneuver through traffic to catch up with me. Sometimes they will proceed to ride up alongside my scooter and perhaps even to be so bold as to strike up a brief conversation during stops at traffic lights. This folks is a big no no. It's like those people in public bathrooms who start talking to you in the next stall over. Last thing you want to do while taking care of business (or as my roommate calls it, "taking the browns to the superbowl") is starting a conversation with a complete stranger. Same rules apply while scootering.

Don't get me wrong, if you happen to be driving behind a scooter it's okay to pull up and give a brief nod before peeling away. That's common courteously. It's like saying, "hello, we're both better than pedestrians and cooler than gas guzzling motorists," but that's it folks. No further acknowledgment is required. As you may now know from my previous post (see "Types of Scootering Personalities") a variety of people ride scooters, and they do not all necessarily share common mindsets (other than loving scooters).

I also have a jeep. There's an unofficial "wrangler wave" that is given to fellow wrangler drivers as you pass by other jeeps on the road. Some overzealous enthusiasts give the big high five wave as they pass by. I tend to utilize the patented two finger peace sign with the left hand while gripping the steering wheel at the 12 o'clock position (the "bunny ear maneuver"). This way it's noticeable to the keen observing fellow wrangler driver and pays respect, but not as obvious to the other motorists or people in your car (so they don't you're super lame). Crap, I've sidetracked so much I've forgotten what I was ranting about. Oh well, here's a cool picture of my scooter.

Scooter Adventure: the Ticket

A typical Monday morning. I was running late to work, on my scooter driving through Central Square on Mass Ave. Suddenly, a Cambridge police officer on his motorcycle pulls up next to me with his lights on and says, "pull over by the sidewalk up there and turn off your scooter son." The next 15 minutes provided to be one of the most confounding moments of my life so far. His next words were, "did you know your registration tags are expired?" Of course I knew. My tags were expired in 2006 (yeah yeah, go ahead and ridicule me, but if you think I like to throw away $40 to the city of Boston for a sticker that registers my scooter as a "motorized bicycle" you might as well stick a feather in your head and call it a macaroni). Anyway, the cop proceeded to lecture me on not having an updated sticker, and then issued me a ticket. A ticket!! Do they really have the free time to pull over scooters for expired registration tags and fine them $25?!?!

But here's the real kicker folks. Hang onto your hats and buckle in your seat belts. His next sentence was, "I'm going to have to tow your scooter." Really? Really really?!? I was dumbfounded. In disbelief. Who tows a scooter? Who tows a 200 lb bicycle? Do jerks like that really exist in this world? Yes, apparently they do. So after a few more minutes of baffling discussion, I was directed to a bus stop across the street which would take me to work that morning. As I sat on the bus, I looked out and saw the officer next to my scooter waiting for the tow truck. I could almost feel the tears trickling down my cheeks.

After pleading with my boss, I was able to take a half day and had the rest of the afternoon off to retrieve my scooter. I had to take the following steps: (1) Get home and retrieval my registration identification. (2) Get to the RMV. (3) Wait in line at the goddamn RMV for hours to get a registration sticker. (4) Get to the impound lot. (5) !!!!!

First of all, the Massachusetts RMV provides a nifty website that shows "real time" wait times for their various locations. Okay, after a bit of perusing I found the most convenient and shortest line existed at the Cambridgeside Galleria RMV office. After rushing home, I jumped into my car and jetted towards the Cambridgeside Galleria mall. Minutes later, I was in a short line at the RMV office. "Oh," said the young woman at the counter, "scooter registration? We don't do that here. You have to go to our Watertown location."

!@%$#^!!

After damning the RMV a few more times, I drove another 15 minutes to Watertown, otherwise known as "the armpit of west Boston". As this entry is getting long, I will spare you the excruciating details of waiting in various lines at the Watertown RMV, but suffice to say, there was a point where I had the wrong form, and was directed to another line to get the correct form (although they did let me cut in line). Nevertheless, 2 hours later, I had a brand spanking new shiny registration sticker, minus two Andrew Jacksons in my wallet.

Luckily I convinced my girlfriend to drive me to the impound lot after work, so at 5pm we took a drive to Phil's Towing Co, paid them their damn hundred dollars, and picked up my scooter, which had been sitting in their parking lot getting rained on all day.

Cambridge Police: 1
Scooter: 0

Carry groceries: the tetris challenge

Depending on the type of scooter, you may or may not have ample storage capacity. For example, a Honda ruckus (see image below) has no storage, so you're basically SOL.*
But on my scooter, I have maximum storage ability, including: an underseat helmet compartment, a front bag hook, and an additional Givi trunk compartment. Believe it or not, I can carry a week's worth of groceries on my scooter.

[Groceries in cart]

[Same groceries in scooter compartments. Magic!]

All it takes is some forward thinking and a little practice from playing tetris. Obviously, big items such as bulk rolls of paper towels from Costco will not fit, but perishable and fragile items such as fruit, glass jars, and even eggs will fit nicely if you plan ahead.

Space can be further supplemented with a backpack or messenger bag. Wow, what a knowledgeable and helpful post! This deserves a:

[*SOL = sh*t outta luck]

Scootering for two

Although scootering historically has been a solo adventure, there are occasions that call for more than one person riding on a scooter. Here's a short list:

Occasions that call for more than one person riding the same scooter:

1. Existing girlfriend/boyfriend needing a ride home (note: only do this for existing relationships, because really, you're not going to impress anyone you're trying to date by picking them up on a scooter).
2. Lame roommate bumming a ride (this is why I've made a "only 1 masian* per scooter" rule).
3. You're handcuffed to someone as you both try to escape police on a thrilling chase through a European city. You attempt to steer through narrow streets, your partner in crime fire bullets randomly behind you.
   

Notice that I did not put "joy riding" on the list of scootering for two. That's because it's not fun riding an elaborate lawnmower with two people. It's not a motorcycle. There's little room, and scooters are not really designed to sustain the weight of two individuals. There's a couple of things to consider as you ride with two people. Here's another list:

1. The art of getting on a scooter with two people. It's no easy task. My girlfriend and I have carefully practiced this dance, to spectators it's almost like a well choreographed ballet; I steadily hold the scooter upright via the handlebars, she climbs on and scoots back to the end, I then unsteadily throw my leg over the front without kicking her in the head, and finally rest hunched over the front with my knees poking the back of the handlebars. It's just as difficult dismounting from the scooter, I have to hold the scooter upright as she does a dangerous cartwheel off to one side, and then making sure not to drop the scooter, step off and pull down the kickstand. Email me for drawings and detailed instructions.
   
2. Helmet selection. In my naive excitement, I first purchased a matching helmet for my girlfriend to wear. It's bring pink and is just as obnoxious and loud as my yellow helmet. However, I failed to recognized that we are not riding a motorcycle, and honestly we looked like a bunch of power ranger fanboys riding into battle to defeat Zorgon on a little underpowered scooter. Here's a 10 second cut and paste image rendition of what it looks like for your amusement. In addition to the negative visual aspects of having two matching full size motorcycle helmets, logistical problems also arise. Since we are sitting so close to each other, we discovered that we often bump into each others' helmets and made it a nuisance to turn your head, which as it turns out, is vital when you're riding a scooter in heavy traffic. So in short, I ditched the pink power ranger helmet and purchased a sweet secondary half helmet, which is better suited for storage and usage, as it's small enough to fit inside my scooter truck, and does not easily bump into the back of my helmet as well.
   
3. Apparel. Make sure your girlfriend (or boyfriend?) is not wearing a skirt, as that's not the best idea to wear while scootering. Or for that matter, on males, not the best idea to wear ever. (Unless it's Halloween, which in that case, it's highly recommended).
   
4. There's also a handful of other tidbits of advice, such as readjusting your side mirrors and taking turns more slowly, but I can't seem to think of funny comments to add to those instructions, so that's it for now.

[*masian = male + asian]

Updates coming soon

Dear fanclub member(s) and avid reader(s):

Updates are coming soon, I promise! I have a few stories drafted, but due to various obligations and lack of creative juices lately I've been reluctant to post the new stories. You deserve my best writing: a classic combination of a short anecdote filled with wit, humor, compassion, and a sprinkle of education...not mindless rantings and bad grammar.

So for now, here's a sweet picture I took on my scooter to keep you enticed in my blog. Keep checking back for updates!